oh, you.
February 25, 2013 | 3:36 PM
Pam said I should write. I know I should, but I don't really know what, and where to start. This is a feeling I've never had before, and therefore one I don't really know if I know how to analyse. I'm not going emotionally crazy or depressed as I tend to get in the past, but it's not a good feeling now too. It takes a bit of getting used to, and I think the word that's closest to describing my current state would be confused, I guess.
And at risk of sounding like the biggest loser who's 發-ing 花癡 over a guy ever this is something I'm writing down so that I won't forget. And because I know no one reads this blog, really, I can just put down what I want.
'Do you want me to leave?'
'No! Why would you ask that?'
'I don't know, because you can't sleep?'
'Shut up.'
'Your dad's '58? My mum's '59.'
'Oh so she's quite young?'
'Oh no she was quite old when she had me.'
'Oh that's right you're younger than me.'
'Yeah I am, do you forget that?'
'Sometimes. But not by much though.'
'Not by much.'
'R's like my son, so I guess that makes H my grandson.'
'The bed is comfortable, isn't it? My dad got it for me. And you know sometimes I sleep on the sleeping bag because I don't think I deserve this.'
'R's amazing, he always sees the good in people.'
'You do that too.'
'Yeah.. I guess, but it's harder.'
'Why?'
'I don't know, maybe cause I've experienced more and seen more.'
'I think you're amazing.'
'Ohhhh you can't say that, that makes me feel like I have to be that!'
'I really think so.'
...
'Thank you.'
'For what?'
'For saying such a nice thing about me.'
'I'm sorry I'm crying.'
'It's okay, we're having a Velda session right now.'
It doesn't help, dude, I remember almost everything that happened and all we talked about. And I guess I get what you mean by it being awkward. I learnt from experience that I can pretend that everything's okay, that nothing happened. But when emotions are involved, and they have been right from the start (something i'm almost entirely sure you suspected), how am I supposed to face you in school everyday now? It could be like a married couple who separated but stayed together for the child, you said. And I know you're worried I would be like that. But you left me stuck, dude, on one hand I do want you to know I hurt at least a little, but on the other, I don't ever want to lose you.
velda.
